Subject: Remember Me???

From: joey@godaddy.net

Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

To: a.jax98@gmail.com

From: joey@godaddy.net  

Date: Saturday, January 13, 2018, 8:38:07 PST -6hrs GMT

Subject: Remember me???

Dear Ashleigh,

Let’s put it out there: I enjoyed getting to know you last night. And when I say, "getting to know you," I don't mean, "getting to know you" in the biblical sense, though if I’m being honest, I don’t understand the biblical reference. The last time I picked up a bible was when I was ten, and it was a children’s version with lots of colorful illustrations, but I wouldn’t use the term graphic. Now that I’m older, I wonder if most of the pictures went over my head. I guess the point is: would you call yourself more spiritual or religious?

I think one of the reasons we hit it off so well— or better said, one of the things I immediately liked about you, since it's presumptious to know at this stage of our..."relationship" (?) ... whether it's also something you like about me— is how I'm sure you reacted, as I did, just now, to the appearance in this letter, our first communication since meeting eleven hours ago at the Busted Alibi Bar & Grill, of the dreaded R-word— relationship. You are wondering why I brought it up, and frankly, so am I. Consider it a typo, and keep reading.

What I think you dig about me, if I've got you right after spending three hours together, but which felt like much longer— and I mean that in the complimental way, not the insulting way— is my use of run-on sentences. I think you gathered from our speaking voices, our oral tradition as it were (in the non-biblical sense, in case your parents read this), is that I'm a verbose man, but you might not have immediately grasped (or could be forgiven for not yet knowing) is that this same mannerism would translate to the written page, and more than that, that you would find it droll and endearing. C’mon, you’re either charmed by me and are intrigued to see where this catastrophe of a letter is going, or you bailed as soon as you saw the FROM line. Is it wrong that I’m writing with the specific goal of appealing to you, and— more importantly— is it working?

Ash, I’d like to propose the following: allow me to share what I learned about you from our cute-meet (forgive me if I’m writing the screenplay in my head). That way you— and anyone else who posthumously stumbles upon our correspondence in the future—hello future reader!— have proof that when I wrote I "enjoyed getting to know you," I actually listened to the striking woman seated across from me. I didn’t just listen— I was spellbound! Was music playing in the bar last night? I wouldn’t know.

It’s not like I was secretly scribbling notes each time I excused myself to use the restroom, but what if I were— wouldn’t that be better than forgetting the names of your sisters (Camelia and Lorianne), your cat (Frodo), or where you went to college (University of Dlkasdfasdf… I’m sorry, but my vodka tonic smudged this one. I remember you pumping your fist “Go Whippets!” but that honestly doesn’t sound right this morning). Shoulda used the Notes app on my phone— if I took notes, which we’ve established I didn’t.

Technology, gotta love it! If I'd written this email by hand, first of all there’d be ink all over my monitor, and second I'd have no idea how long I’ve been writing, but thanks to the miracle of bits & bytes, I know my word count at every keystroke (411). I like to think of myself as pretty IT-savvy, but maybe that's cause I work in a tech-heavy sector (Uber driver). I literally could not do my job without an app! As tech goes, I guess what I’m asking is, do you lean more Star Trek or Star Wars?

I meant to ask you about your necklace last night. I'll bet most men don't even pick up on it, but I notice the little things! It was meant to be your sign, right? By which I mean, Cancer. Can I tell you a secret, Ash? I've always thought those born under the Cancer sign must feel pretty icky about being associated with the "Big C." It's scary. It's like, if there were a sign called "Black Lung Disease," would anyone want that? On the other hand, I’m a Capricorn and CapLife is just dull: "January 7^th: you’ll have a recording conflict on your DVR today, but it’s temporary."

Which begs the question— and I know you know that’s the pedestrian use of “begs the question,” so let's just share a knowing wink and not nitpick it to death— is this all part of my game? Am I just another guy full of cheesy one-liners? I assure you, Ashleigh, everything I say to you is bespoke, because the lady I met last night was one-of-a-kind.

When you told me you were raised in Wyoming, do you remember my reaction? Whoa, cowboy! I confess, you’re the first person I’ve ever met from there. Call me a coastal elite, but I thought Wyoming was America’s national park—don’t you need to buy a permit to get in? This is an important reminder that we never stop learning— I feel so old!— and also an important reminder that I never studied geography.

Do you have any nicknames? This is going to weird you out (note to self: stop, stop, stop typing!), but I can envision myself calling you Sweetie. I know, I know! I’ve crossed a line right, it’s just… anyone and their brother can call you Ashleigh—it’s what the public sees on your nametag. But I’d like us to have something more special (if you think I’m worthy, it goes without saying). We just won’t bring up the R-word— it’s too soon! It’s been ele— nope, twelve hours now. Slow. the train. down. I can’t explain the urgency to call you Sweetums. Or Sweet Tart. Or Skittles. Doritos. Come to think of it, I haven't had breakfast yet and I’m famished. They say you shouldn't grocery shop when you're hungry, and maybe the same holds true when letter-writing.

I know you’re going to give Caitlyn the full run-down on our evening, so tell her I said hi and thank her for setting us up. Whatever else you want to tell her is up to you, but just know it’s going to get back to me! (j/k!!!) Of course I’m 100 percent positive you’re going to give our “date” a positive review. If I thought otherwise, I’d have planned a much longer and more persuasive letter : )

Let’s meet again and further this journey! What do you say, Ash, should we make this a habit? I apologize if I’ve come on too strong, too soon, or if this whole thing feels like a schtick, but I want to do more than just write to you— I want to do right by you.

— Joey