CLONING BREAKTHROUGH AT BELLEVUE FIRM
Flights of the Moorglade First to Duplicate Humans
BELLEVUE, WA, March 24th, 2025— Flights of the Moorglade (FotM) is pleased to announce it has created fullscale human replicants (“clones”) for the first time in the history of Homo sapiens. Though strides had been made by labs around the world— some of them unscrupulous— toward growing a fully-functional, human-passing clone, Flights of the Moorglade is the first to succeed using a previously unknown technology.
Explained FotM CEO and initial test-subject Stephen D. Forman, “We’re not a scrappy biotech startup— we’re a scrappy humor Substack. Then came D-Day. I found myself concentrating on a punchline so ferociously that I ignited the string of Christmas lights roping my desk, creating a cartoon fuse that raced toward my 3-D printer, surged through my scanner, then arced violently from the floor heater back over my shoulder to my webcam.”
What happened next is the stuff of corporate legend.
Senior Vice President of Marketing Stephen D. Forman asked, “Is that how the clones were born?” CEO Forman replied, “No, that’s how the idea was born. That’s when I realized, ‘If our competitors are printing in 3-D, why don’t we print in 4-D? Boom!’” Senior Vice President of Strategy Stephen D. Forman asked, “So what’s the fourth D?” to which a chorus of Formans answered, “Determination! We try harder than everyone else!”
And that’s how we make clones.
Thanks to FotM’s innovative replicant technology, you can finally:
Establish a control group
Tickle yourself
Apply sunscreen to the center of your back
To ease the public’s concerns around this unregulated technology, the company voluntarily introduced a failsafe mechanism into its product. Explained CEO Forman, “We’ve all read the scary science fiction. No one wants to see a clone army rise up and subjugate their makers— least of all me— which is why we designed a foolproof way of distinguishing humans from their copies. Our clones are incapable of irony.”
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For Immediate Release
TRAGEDY AT FORMER CLONING FIRM
BELLEVUE, WA, March 25th, 2025— Police were called to the headquarters of Flights of the Moorglade overnight, where they found CEO Stephen D. Forman gagged and bound in a storage closet. The shaken executive was reluctant to name his assailant.
Senior Vice President of Public Relations Stephen D. Forman issued the following statement. “There are no words to describe what happened. I am working closely with the Bellevue Police Department and my colleague Stephen D. Forman in HR. Stephen D. Forman would like to ask for privacy at this time.”
While Forman takes an indefinite leave of absence, Stephen D. Forman will step into the CEO role.
About Flights of the Moorglade:
Since 2024, Flights of the Moorglade has been fulfilling its 501c(3) charitable purpose of providing humor to the humorless wherever we are needed.
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I agree with Jesse! Thanks for the laugh this morning! Always enjoy reading your clever and very witty, original posts!
Shocking! All I can say is that I hope they catch those bastards! This is clearly a right wing or left wing plot to discredit scientific innovation.